Given that I don’t live in Cali and am not a multimedia superstar, it’s looking less and less like I will be at the Kodak and more like I will be at a Kinko’s, making copies or something along those lines.

And you know, that’s not really such a bad thing.

To say that my original plan to move out to California was brash and not well-thought-out would be a major understatement. I knew almost no one out there and wound up relying on several people to move out there with me, all of whom eventually jumped ship for one reason or another. I had no job lined up (other than a possible stint as a dance instructor). I had no true idea where I wanted to live, just that it would be somewhere in L.A. And most of all, I had way too much confidence in my artistic abilities (voice acting, character acting, drums) and life experiences, and never really took the time to inject any realism into my ideas.

Those of you who were around know that I was rocked from every angle right after I graduated and spent the next year-and-a-half in a basic mental hole, which I likely would’ve died in mentally save for a few special people (Go ahead and take a bow, I believe you know who you are). I can only imagine how bad that truly would have been had I not had my closest friends and family around to support me and see me through.

I am in a much better place life-wise now, even if mentally it may not feel that way at times. And skills-wise…not sure how much better my skills are getting, but they seem to be a bit better. Plus, I’ve since been on a national dating show, as well as in a couple of films, a couple of on-stage improv shows, a live voice-acting performance, paid to play live music, and may well even be in a nationally released DVD this year (still crossing my fingers that nothing goes weird on that, and my 10 seconds of fame stays alive). If you had told me four years ago that those things would happen, I would have happily taken it.

I may yet move out to Cali someday, and maybe I’ll even get to be in the audience at the Kodak Theatre. But until it does (and even if it never happens), I can still live my dreams and still do what I love to do.

And isn’t that a large part of what we all want anyhow?

I have since thrown most of these out (other than communicating better)…and am instead opting to follow up with an idea that a friend tweeted me, New Week Resolutions (which I’ve linked below). The idea is simple: make a new resolution each week of something that you want to fix in your life. Maybe you can read more, maybe you can exercise twice this week, etc etc. And if you need to make a major change…make that your resolution for a few weeks in a row, or try to build into it week-by-week. Fewer cigarettes each week until you stop, for instance.

Given how I tend to live my life by staring at shiny things until I forget what I was talking about…wait, where was I? Right. In any case, I personally am far more likely to be excited about and keep a resolution each week as opposed to keeping one for a full year. Of course, I suppose that making a new resolution a week is somewhat a full year resolution in itself…so we’ll see how this holds out.

I’ve already succeeded at this week’s resolution (partially rebuild the site into a blog) and am excited to start on next week’s resolution, which is to at long last get the inside of my car clean. Is that a resolution? Yeah, I kinda think it is…

New Year’s Resolution alternative: 52 New Week’s Resolutions

One of the hardest parts of leaving any relationship is the constant reminders of the person that you run into, especially when you left under bad circumstances. After a dream I had about my ex, I realized that I was thinking about her too much, so I wrote this song in an attempt to let go. By this point, I believe I have…though I do still hope that she is doing well.

Last night, I had a dream!
Parent’s car, you cuddled with me!
What color was the elephant in there again?

Went to see my internet shrink,
Tried to find out what they all think.
Guess you’ve been thinking of me quite a bit too…

Well, let me tell you how it’s been.
These demons all around I’m trying to fend.

I can’t trust my heart, can’t trust my head!
I don’t know what is true.
Spend a year in the manic and a half in a panic,
Now tell me what it does to you.
Seeking something more, I shoved you out the door.
Went to face what I thought I could.
And now I wear the affliction you bear!
Your haunted head!

Do you remember our first date?
Roller coasters and the chicken we ate.
Spent the whole night home feeling nauseous and sick.

Or maybe when times were sweet?
Mall walking, flowers, something to eat.
A promise made by the comedy stage.

Like all good things, it had to end.
Leaving me with wounds which just won’t mend!

Remember the nights? Remember the fights?
Remember the pain that fueled the flame!
Remember the punt? I brought you a rose.
Wasn’t good enough because I didn’t propose!
Every night you were crying, I felt myself dying.
As passion in life became apathy.
Tried to proclaim to you my pain.
Probably would’ve helped if you ever cared…

Tears and hate became our norm,
So I burned down that bridge to keep us both warm!

Last night, I had a dream…
And that’s how it will stay.

So…what all is going on here? Well, I’ve decided that I at long last want to have a blog…and a website again. I loved designing it before, but it seemed like I just had nothing important to say. I still may not, but living in silence never seems quite right to me.

Keep an eye out, for there is far mire to come…including new song lyrics and other fun stuff too!

One can usually only hear the same story so many times before they start to wonder what is truly going on.  Before you know it, the same story that at one point makes you rush to their side becomes little more than the same boy crying “wolf” again.  Much like in Aesop’s fable, eventually no one will trust that help is truly needed.

Another cry fades out across the land,
And the Wolfpack can only be fought by one.
With a scream from the soul, I’ll suck you in,
As I survive and you are alone!

So, what do you say? Going out with your crowd?
I’ll make my will weak as I make my mind loud!
But I won’t seek a way to end my pain…
Taking out your freedom along with my vein!

Though I can see a happy ending to my plight,
Winning the fight means losing all my might!
I’ll use my control to sap away your life,
Removing all your freedom with just a flick of a knife!

Try to help me out? I’ll guilt your help away!
Pretend the help exists, yet only with a chain!
Hate you, Hate this, the only thing I know.
Rip away more freedom with each breath I blow!

Fall into the Wolfpack!
Join up with the Wolfpack!!
Die within the Wolfpack!!!

As I crush, crush, crush all your hopes and dreams,
And I drain, drain, drain upon your sympathy.

Don’t go! Don’t go!! You’re the only thing I know!
I need, I need, you to be close to me!!
I can’t, I won’t, live without you around!!
Even if, even if…it causes you to die!!!!!!

Another cry fades out across the land,
As the Wolfpack swallows another one…

No question, there are a lot of people which benefit quite a bit from Anti-Anxiety and Mood Stabilizing medications.  However, it seems that these medications are often over-prescribed and any other possible issues are looked at as a bio-chemical imbalance rather than a set of true issues.  I wrote this about my own experience on Paxil.

Death overtakes me 20 at a time
As my mind fades away, I don’t care what’s in my eyes.
So just stick it in my mouth, inject it in my vein,
And I’ll be wondering as I die if I even came…

So give me two, give me three, give me four ways to die!
Ignoring all my cuts as they ignored all my cries!
Your past doesn’t matter, take the easy way out!
Killing off your brain will fix your problems, no doubt cuz…

S is for my stage and
S is for my shame and
R is for my rage and
I will soon coast along!!

Take these 10 and run along!
At 20, you will not belong!
30’s when you fade your song!
At 40, you’re gone!!
Your life shall become clinical!
Emotions are all chemical!
Take two of these and go away!
It doesn’t matter what you say!

Now let’s step away and look from the side!
Three weeks of trying, not to come but to hide!
Receive a glow and return only a stare!
13 to one, no one even cares!

So now it’s withdrawal, withdrawal, the fun way to go!
All of life’s pain, except without the glow!
But unless you take them, you’ll chase them all away!
So close your eyes, close your mind, don’t ever let them hear you say that

S is for my stage and
S is for my shame and
R is for my rage and
I will soon coast along!!

There is definitely something to wanting to be married, and to planning that as a large part of your life.  However, your S.O. may not want to marry you, may not be ready right away, or may just be creeped out by how often the subject comes up.  To put marriage above love…are you really doing anything more than checking off a box on your bucket list?

Rush to the altar, is my hair OK?
I can’t let anything stand in my way!
It’s my big day, ya know? Yeah, I’m the bride!
And I don’t really care who’s on the other side!

It’s my big day now, I’m gonna let loose!
College graduation? Just another excuse.
I know I heard a hint, I know you said that line.
Even though you don’t remember, I heard it just fine!

Give me what I want! It’s the only thing that’s fair!
For I will turn your will to mush with only a glare!
But the way it all goes down, ya know, for all I care,
You can
Buy my ring, take a string, stick it around your neck!!!

Nearly two years behind us, do they even mean a thing?
It feels less about the love and more about the ring!
Seal up your future by bottling up some whine.
Something wrong, honey? …No, everything’s fine!!

You’re the one I love, you’re the only one for me.
But I refuse to wait around and see who you want to be.
Think about my happiness before what feels right.
Until you give up, it shall always be a fight!

But there’s still a good way to mend up the fences.
Just follow Mom and Dad and I’s majority consensus!
We decided that we’re ready for a marriage to take place.
And if you hurry up, you might be in the groom’s space!

Give me what I want! It’s the only thing that’s fair!
For I will turn your will to mush with only a glare!
But the way it all goes down, ya know, for all I care,
You can
Buy my ring, take a string, stick it around your neck!!!

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to remember that as bad as things may seem, giving up and committing suicide is never a good option.  No matter how people may act towards you, you are still a being very capable of love and deserve to be loved.

As I look down,
Head within my hands,
And wonder why I’m alone.

I close my eyes,
Remember the past,
And all I used to know.

I realize then
Where they’ve all gone.
Life pushed us all away

Much the same
As it seems to do now
With the friends I have today.

And as my family looks down,
Upon who I am,
And what I have become.

They only see the outer shell,
Of a broken, bitter man.
My emotions are better off numbed.

But hiding who I am is no way to live!
As long as I’m alive, all I am is what I’ll give!

The hardest thing I see, keep my neck out of the rope!
But as long as I’m alive, my future still has hope!

This song was written from a death-threat phone message that an ex’s dad left me.

Well, obviously Tim, you are one of the low lifes!
You’re probably the biggest disgrace in my life!
You’re a discourage! You’re a disgrace!
I guess you know what I mean…

You’re probably one of the poorest excuses
I’ve ever run across for a man or a human being!!
You have no rights to that title at all!!
I think you know what I’m talking about!!

My daughter’s trust in you has been betrayed!
Consider yourself a marked man!!
My own trust in you has been betrayed!
Consider yourself a marked man!!

You got more problems than my daughter!! (huh?)
You got yourself a wild bad Oedipus Complex!!
I may not know what one of those is,
But you probably got it…
And if someone ever tells me, I’ll pretend that I never said it!! GO GO GO GO!!!

Every time you walk down a darkened alley!!
Every birthday that passes, count your lucky stars!!
Every time you see a shadow, better look behind you carefully!
Because what goes around comes around, son, and you’re gonna get yours!! I’m not kidding!!

Whether time shows a dream to be a delusion or not, it hurts nothing to try.  What’s important is that you believe in it and that you want it in your life.

Look out at the parade now,
The big celebrity.
Act and sing and get their fix,
Why couldn’t that be me?

I may not have their talent,
But I do have my own dream.
The only way to get the life I want or so it seems…

I gotta live – gotta take a risk, go out and try.
I gotta live – gotta make my life so I don’t want to die.
I gotta live – gonna go out and get what I want.
I gotta live!

9-to-5, steady job,
For some, it is their thing.
But most people are just afraid
To enter in their scene!
9-to-5 become a trap
With cubicles of slaves!
Misery begets their lives…
Often chasing to the grave!

Two kids, a house, a spouse,
Weekend trips to the mall.
“The Simple Life” it seems
May not be simple at all…
Layoffs, meetings, money,
Didn’t you once have a dream?
It’s not to late to reach for it,
No matter how it seems!